“Hi, I’m Atlanta Braves outfielder Jeff Francoeur. Have you accepted Delta into your life? Delta has a wonderful plan for you…”
Stu will be with you tonight with the recap. I’ll be here in spirit, but not so much in person.
Philadelphia Phillies vs. Atlanta Braves - Box Score - July 01, 2009 - ESPN
You can’t win much more convincingly than that. The Braves chased Cole Hamels in the fifth inning, while Jair Jurrjens took a no-hitter to two out in the seventh.
The early offense was mostly provided by MVP candidate Martin Prado and Chipper Jones. In the third, Prado doubled home two runs, including Blanco from first (see, it can be done!) and then scored on a Chipper single. In the fifth, Chipper doubled home two including Prado from first; Prado can not be stopped even by Brian Snitker, and ran through the stop sign. Chipper came home on a McCann single to make it 6-1; that was it for Hamels. Diaz homered to make it 8-1, and then Diory Hernandez (!) hit his first homer to make it 9-1.
The Phillies still didn’t have a hit. Their run came on a walk, a two-base throwing error on a pickoff, and a sac fly in the fourth. Jurrjens just got stronger after that, getting a lot of lazy fly balls. The hit finally came with two out in the seventh, courtesy of Paul Bako, of all people. Bobby lifted Jurrjens at the end of the inning having allowed just that one hit (they got one more off of Medlen in the eighth) with four walks and six strikeouts.
Diaz had three hits; Chipper, McCann, and Prado had two each. Everybody had one except the slumping Kotchman.
“Hi, I’m Atlanta Braves outfielder Jeff Francoeur, and I put my lucky underwear on one leg at a time like everyone else.”
Philadelphia Phillies vs. Atlanta Braves - Box Score - June 30, 2009 - ESPN
And Kelly Johnson was never seen again.
Martin Prado basically singlehandedly won this game, going 4-5 with four RBI. In the third, he singled in Blanco to tie the game at 1. In the fifth, he hit a solo homer to tie it at 2. In the eighth, after Gonzalez blew a 3-2 lead, Prado doubled in Blanco from second. And in the tenth, he singled over the head of the playing-in left fielder to score Diaz with the winning run. All in a day’s work.
Derek Lowe apparently doesn’t know how to win. Of course, he left the game leading 3-2, but he utterly failed to keep Gonzalez from giving up two two-out solo homers in the eighth. He went seven, struck out four, walked three, and allowed seven hits, and he didn’t get a whole lot of defensive help. What a loser.
Soriano was his usual self in the ninth. Moylan got a double play in the tenth (Chipper had to make a good play to start it) to get the win… In addition to Blanco still playing for McLouth, Hernandez is still playing for Escobar, who however was able to pinch-hit. It’s a much bigger problem than Blanco, because Hernandez has looked nothing like a major league ballplayer so far… Francoeur sucks, but did have two hits and the Braves’ only non-Prado RBI on a groundout.
“Hi, I’m Atlanta Braves outfielder Jeff Francoeur. I’m here to chew bubblegum and make outs, and I’m all out of bubblegum.”
Boston Red Sox vs. Atlanta Braves - Box Score - June 28, 2009 - ESPN
Should’ve had a shutout.
Tommy Hanson continues to baffle hitters, and this time he wasn’t effectively wild, he was just plain effective, going six innings and allowing just two hits and two walks. He was only credited with two strikeouts, but that was largely because the home plate umpire simply refused to call strike three — he froze about three other batters but didn’t get the call.
Of course, he just knows how to win. Chipper, who as I’ve noted has been slumping terribly, hit a solo homer in the first, and ACHE, the world’s laziest outfielder, hit a solo shot in the fourth. So, as you can see, the Braves still can’t hit with runners in scoring position. Hanson, actually, should have had an RBI except that Francoeur, who sucks, is also a moron, and got thrown out at third on a grounder to short, which Hanson followed with a hit. I think it was one of only two hits with runners on base the Braves had all series.
O’Flaherty got in trouble in the seventh on a double and an error by KJ, but Moylan came in and got a double play to escape the jam. Soriano pitched the eighth in his usual fashion — completely unhittable. Gonzalez got the ninth this time, and allowed a one-out hit, then got a double play ball to end it, only to have KJ pull a mental Prado (speaking of, there’s now no reason at all to not make him the starter) and instead of going 4-6-3 tried to chase the runner back, got the hitter at first, and then Hernandez screwed up the rundown. Typically, the runner went to second on defensive indifference (I hate that) and scored on a single. Gonzalez got a strikeout to end it, though.
“Hola, this is Braves starting pitcher Javier Vazquez, and I’m wondering: Do I have to do everything around here?”
“This is Braves starting pitcher Jair Jurrjens, and I’m wondering the same thing. I’m definitely taking extra batting practice.”
“You’re telling me. Who built this offense, the Three Little Pigs?”
“At least you’re a strikeout pitcher. You try letting balls in play for this defense.”
“Ouch. Hey, do you ever feel like hitting Francoeur in the face with a fastball?”
“Wrong question. When do I not feel like hitting him in the face with a fastball?”
“Good point. Still, it’s probably all our fault for not ‘knowing how to win’.”
Boston Red Sox vs. Atlanta Braves - Box Score - June 27, 2009 - ESPN
Terrible, terrible. Javier Vazquez would be justified if he took a bat to the rest of the team. At least he’d hit something. The Braves were limited to four hits, two by substitute CF Gregor Blanco. Their only extra-base hit was by ACHE, with two out in the ninth. Kotchman then grounded out on the first pitch to end the game. They drew only two walks, only one against the starter — a knuckleballer. I reach new levels of disgust on a daily basis.
Vazquez was great, as usual, and got hung with a loss anyway. His one run allowed came with two out in the sixth, when he walked two (in all honesty, it looked like he struck out the second batter on a 3-2 checked swing, but I can’t tell because Fox never showed the side angle replay) and then gave up a single to Mark Kotsay. Whee! Anyway, Vazquez struck out eight, is leading the league in strikeouts, has a 3.04 ERA, and is now 5-7. He must hate this team almost as much as I do.
“Hi, I’m –SIGH– Angels — uh, Braves outfielder –YAWN– Garret Anderson, and… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ………
Boston Red Sox vs. Atlanta Braves - Box Score - June 26, 2009 - ESPN
I’m starting to think that Jeff Bennett had the right idea. If I punched a wall and broke my hand, I wouldn’t be able to type, and so would have an excuse to not watch this team. Poor Jair Jurrjens made one real mistake, a solo homer by Ortiz that opened the scoring in the fifth, after the Braves’ “offense” had blown several chances. He allowed three more runs in eight innings of work, but little about them was his fault; most of it was a patchwork defense with Prado and Hernandez playing the middle infield and waiving at ground balls, and the usual effort — that is, none I can see — from ACHE. Throw in a couple of random balks — if that isn’t redundant, nearly all balks are randomly called by the umpires as far as I can tell, with the odd exception of a pitcher who falls down or drops the ball or something like that — and he never had a chance.
In addition to Escobar, out with the hip injury, and KJ, out with generalized failure, McCann didn’t start due to dizziness, though he did hit a pinch-double in the ninth, after all had been decided. Ross scored the Braves’ only run with a solo homer in the ninth. The Braves actually outhit the Red Sox 8-7, but couldn’t get any hits with runners in scoring position, and got no help from the Random Balk Generators.
McLouth hurt himself running out a ground ball in the eighth, and now he’ll probably miss time. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Blanco will get hot and the Braves will ditch Francoeur, who sucks, or ACHE, who doesn’t play defense, when McLouth comes back. But I doubt it. Oh, and Chipper needs to sit for a day, because he’s clearly lagging, but we don’t even have enough players to do that.
